Once Upon A Time // And It Was Good

 “Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.”

Once upon a time, I found my college apartment void of all my roommates.  I began to feel lonely.  But it wasn’t the kind of alone easily cured; it was scarily a type that aches, grows, and becomes unbearable.  It leads to fear, tears, and a frantic reaching out to anyone who could ease such emotions.  In this instance, I chose to act: I made more than two dozen chocolate-peanut butter no-bake cookies.  I posted on my Church’s local congregation Facebook page announcing said cookies, listing them as leftovers, offering them to hungry college students who would like to come by and grab some.  And they came.  About five or six wonderful people filled my kitchen and ate and talked and laughed and filled my home with the life and light I so desperately needed there.  And it was good.

Once upon a time, I had a secret.  I began to feel its weight.  But it’s not the kind of secret that comes with a happy surprise; it’s a type that isolates, shames, and becomes a road block for life.  It leads to depression, reduced self-esteem, and damages all relationships in one way or the next.  And finally, I chose to act: I decided to tell.

I was fourteen-years-old when I was sexually assaulted.

          Violated, used, objectified, broken.

I was physically used and manipulated for over a year.

          Demeaned, conditioned, reduced, destroyed.

I was fifteen-years-old when I was sexually assaulted again, this time by someone else.

          Expected, silent, suppressed, secret.

These words are not enough to convey the magnitude and depth of hurt, shame, anxiety, stress, and immense sadness these events have placed in my path of life.  Two of my peers had non-violently damaged me in more ways than one.

One of the worst parts?  The people familiar with just only parts of this secret easily number less than the fingers I have.  No one knows the whole story.  I’m not sure they ever could without realizing how far its reach on me has extended, how much I have been affected.  Allow me to demonstrate; these are some of the ways my experience with sexual assault has changed my life:

• I felt tainted, damaged, and irreversibly unworthy to be good enough for anyone else.
• I dropped into a shame cycle, not just limited to the assaults; I was shameful of everything.  I thought I would never be good enough for anything: a relationship, a friendship, a family, a teammate, a human.
• I could no longer trust a man to be in a relationship with me for just me; my perception of his commitment was strongly tied to his desire for my physical body, even if he denied it.
• I thought I was only worth what my body could deliver; I thought if I didn’t physically please a man I was interested in, then he would leave.  I sought for approval through physical attention.  Some portions of this effect some people call wounded attachment.
• I withdrew from physical affection from my family and friends; I didn’t like to hold my sister’s hand or kiss my mom goodnight.  I didn’t even want hugs.
• I developed an eating disorder.  Three times.  Partially to have control, partially to punish my body, partially to somehow be of more worth, partially to die.
• I physically harmed myself.  Many times.  Partially to numb out other pains, partially to punish myself, partially to have a physical presentation of the inner anguish and hurt I was feeling, partially so someone would see and help, because I couldn’t ask for help.
• I wrecked a lot of romantic relationships because I couldn’t trust or talk or open up about what pain, cynicism, hurt, distrust, disgust, and anger I was hiding.
• I developed and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.  I had nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, and became fearful and anxious.  Especially at dark.
• I would fall into periods of depression.  Paired with my shame, there were times I did not want to continue living.  I felt hopeless.

But humans are incredible creatures; our bodies, paired with spirits from Heaven, adapt and evolve.  I buried it.  I became the crazy, adventurous, long-haired Ally you may know.  I lived and laughed and tried my best to be okay when I was alone.

But, as a friend put it, just because you bury the zombies, it doesn’t mean they’re dead.  Sometimes those effects, they’d cause a little tremor beneath my feet, or sometimes they’d rip a hole in the ground and threaten to swallow me, too.  The only way to get rid of zombies is to kill them one at a time.  The only way to fully eliminate the effects of sexual assault from my life is to face them head on, and deal with it.

This is me starting to deal with it.  This is me trying to be more than okay.

This is my secret.

And so far things are ridiculously hard, but also very much worth it.  A weight lifts when I speak up; a light is turned on when I receive support; a zombie is killed when I stop trying to pile a mound of earth on top to hide its existence and instead, talk about it.

I’m so exhausted of being alone and wanting to reach out but knowing no one knows.

I’ll be talking more about this, as I’m ready.  I think I'm okay with not hiding any more, so we can check step one off the list.

I’d really appreciate knowing I’m being heard; send me a text, shoot me a message, or the next time you see me, tell me you read my post.  Tell me you heard my secret.  Tell me you’re proud of me.  And tell me it’s going to be more than okay.

As I continue to share about the insights and perspective I have gained by addressing the pain these events have caused me, I hope others can find parallels in their own lives about how we are not alone, forsaken, or forgotten, even in the darkest of times.

"For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.” 

Once upon a time, I shared my secret; and it was good.

Did Not Our Heart Burn?

Let me just say, I love this video.

I love the two disciples' reaction as Christ is about to depart from them and they ask Him to stay the evening with them.  They didn't recognize Jesus with whom they walked, because "their eyes were holden that they should not know him" (Luke 24:16 KJV).  I don't think it was only out of politeness that they asked Him to abide with them, or even because He was expounding "in all the scriptures the things concerning himself."  I think it was because they felt the Spirit as He spoke.  They felt it powerfully testifying of the truths He taught, and comforting their sad countenances.  Recognizing that feeling, they invited Him to stay, just a little longer.

"Did not our heart burn within us?" (Verse 32)

I want to be as the disciples along the road to Emmaus.  I want to be able to recognize that Spirit speaking to me, testifying to me, comforting me.  I want to be able to choose the paths that allow Him to stay.  I want to have the courage and initiative to invite Him to abide with me, in all that I do.  And I want to be able to say with confidence "Did not my heart burn within me?"

I want God to guide me as I walk the roads on this Earth, and I know He can do so if I live my life in a way that the Holy Ghost can direct my paths.

My goal is to get better at creating quiet, calm moments, where I can pay attention to how I feel and how the Spirit communicates with me.  Along my own road to Emmaus, I hope I'll be able to say at the end, that my heart could feel it all along the way.

If You're Happy & You Know It

The title's a bit of a joke; it comes from the KJV of John 13:17 where Jesus Christ says "If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them."

Christ is talking about following His example, perhaps particularly of offering humble service, as He had just washed the feet of His twelve apostles who sat with Him for dinner.  However, what I absolutely love about this scripture is Christ's choice of the word "do."

Not "happy are ye if ye know them," or "happy are ye if ye believe them," and not even "happy are ye if ye do them every once in a while."  Happy are we if we continually do as Christ has done.  If we get up and move the bodies we've been given to serve those in need, be they strangers, family, friend, or someone we honestly just do not get along with.

Sometimes it takes a lot to give thoughtful, meaningful, humble service.  It takes courage to speak up and offer something you're not sure will be wanted.  It takes patience to serve someone who does not want to be served or is ungrateful for your service.  It takes charity and effort to be genuine in your deeds of kindness.  And heck, it takes a lot of time.

But you get so much more than you put in!  "Happy are ye..."!  By getting out of our personal bubble and catering to someone else's needs, our emotional tanks are refueled with happiness and love and a perspective that allows us to be strong through our own tough times and downs.

I'm straight up challenging each of you to find someone to serve this week.  If you want, take careful time to think about someone in need and what you can meaningfully bring to their life.  Or, just keep service in mind, and when you run into a stranger in distress take that courage to reach out.  I can promise you that the Savior's words are true: that when we serve others as He served, we can bring happiness into our lives and others'.

It's a win-win-win for us, them, and God.

How will you serve this week?

Light Light

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Good heavens.  What a week past, what a day present, what a semester ahead.

I am so tired.  I am so weighed down.  I am so defeated.

Over the weekend, while listening to M. Russell Ballard speak of waves, words describing my current feelings came to mind:

buffeted
                    turmoil  
                                     riptide
                                                      tossed
                                                                         storm
                                                                                          drifting
                                                                                                              sinking
           

                                                                                                                               lost.


When Jesus Christ invites all to come unto Him, He promises rest.
Yet from the storms of insecurity, schedules, to-do lists, stress, sin, and life He does not promise a ship impenetrable to the winds, rain, and waves.

Instead He promises a light burden.

Thinking of the many changes in my life that I have made in order to follow Jesus Christ more closely and faithfully, I realize those changes have not been easy.  In fact, I wouldn't say they have been light at all.
But they certainly, one hundred percent, definitely have brought light.

"...my burden is light."

Following Jesus Christ does not mean a life without storms, a ship without waves, a burden without weight; it means meaning, purpose, direction, and ultimately eternal happiness, through all of that.

It means that when I am soaked by the rain I can look up and know I have a Redeemer who has suffered for both my spiritual mistakes and my stressful academic life in order to know how to help me.


It means that when I am tossed overboard I can swim and know I have a specific path to follow that will help me be closer to Him and happiness.



It means that when I am sinking, and it seems like the darkness of the depths of the sea has engulfed me, I can hold onto the light that He is, and know that I am not alone.

Take up His yoke.  Trade your burden for His.

Come, follow Jesus Christ.

Doubt & Instant Gratification

"And when the tempter came to him, he said, 'If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.'"

This scripture, Matthew 4:3, demonstrates two very effective ways Satan tempts us: doubt and instant gratification.

"If thou be the Son of God.."
With that first word, "if," Satan begins to plant seeds of doubt.
If the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, then this.
If the Book of Mormon is the word of God, then that.
If God exists, then I would feel it.

Satan seems to take a rather logical approach, using an age-old part of the way we think: if this, then that.
If Jesus is the Son of God, then He would have the power to change those stones into bread.  If He was the Son of God, then He would have the power to do anything.  So why was it not okay for Christ to use His priesthood to perform a miracle and create food, especially when He must have been so terribly hungry after having just fasted for a very long time?

"...Command that these stones be made bread."
Instant gratification.  Use your power, your abilities, your gifts from God to serve yourself right here, and right now; that's what Satan was trying to get Christ to do.  He's hungry!  He is about to begin His earthly ministry, which will end mortally with His Atonement for the spiritual and physical deaths of all mankind!  Why can He not use His God-given abilities to make some food to eat?

Because the gospel of Jesus Christ was, and still is never about satisfying yourself.

Think of all your God-given gifts, powers, abilities, and blessings.

Your body, your mind, your talents (yes, you have many talents, don't try to deny!), the small amount of money you do have if you're a struggling college student like me, and so many other things He has given and continues to bless us with.  These are not meant to be used to please ourselves.  We should not use our bodies' procreative powers to satisfy our own lustful desires, we must use them to strengthen marital bonds and bring forth children.  We should not use our wonderful intellectual abilities to deceive and get gain over others, we must use them to build up the kingdom of God and value wisdom and knowledge from all fronts.  We must not use what God has given us to get even more for ourselves; but as He has given, we should also give, which is freely and with love.

"We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give."

I'm not saying it would have been inherently bad for Christ to turn those stones to bread, and He would even go on to perform miracles with bread later on.  (We experience a bread-ly miracle from Him each week as we partake of bread and water during the sacrament to renew our baptismal covenants with Him.)
I am saying that Christ delivered to us a very prominent example of what we should be doing with what God has given us, and how we can grow closer to both of Them through serving others instead of satisfying ourselves.

What can you do to serve someone today?

Thy Prayer is Heard

When Zacharias went up to the temple, an angel appeared unto him saying “Fear not, Zacharias: for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John."

By now, both Zacharias and Elisabeth were both "well stricken in years," and finally the Lord decides to bless them with a child; what took Him so long?  Where was the blessing for His obedient servants earlier in their lives?  Where was His answer after the first prayer?  Or the tenth?

After years, years, of prayers and obedience to the Lord, Zacharias and Elisabeth were finally blessed with an answer, blessed with a child.  And the truth is that all those years, years, of praying, they were heard.  Every single prayer, whether uttered aloud on their knees or a silent plea with a glance heavenward, every prayer was heard by God, our Heavenly Father.

Something that is hard to remember, and hard to understand, is that just because God does not answer our prayers, it does not mean He has not heard them.

In a recent regional conference for Utah Valley, Elder Richard G. Scott said that when God does not answer, it is because He trusts us.  He trusts us to take the necessary faith and action to continue to do what He has asked us to do, even if we are unsure of its validity or meaning or merit.  He trusts us to continue to give of our time and efforts to seek after truth and knowledge.  He trusts us to be humble and open our hearts.  

He trusts us to trust Him.  

God's silence is a message in itself: that in this life we are in a stage of growth.  We get to choose the path we walk.  What will we do when His silence follows our prayers; Will we continue to let our faith in Him blossom and grow through obedience?  Or will we wither and shrink in the face of doubt and inaction?


Above all, remember: "Thy prayer is heard."

God lives.  God loves.  God listens.

You Are More (Than Just Another Human)

"An estimate of the total number of humans who have ever lived was prepared by Carl Haub of the nonprofit Population Reference Bureau in 1995, and was subsequently updated in 2002 and 2011; the 2011 figure was approximately 107 billion."

One hundred and seven billion people.  More here today.  More to come tomorrow and beyond.

I am not alone in being human.

I am not alone in being imperfect.

And even if I were the one and only sinner in the world, the only one who ever made mistakes, He still would have given His life for me.  I am more than just another human; He knows me.

Don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made;

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes;

You are more than the problems you create;

You've been remade.

                         -You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

I testify that Jesus Christ, through the Atonement, has paved the way for change.

I testify that following Him is the only way to true, eternal joy.

I testify that He lives and loves perfectly.

I testify that you are worth everything to Him.

Are You There God? It's Me, And Organic Chemistry

This is the tale of one of the tests I have taken for Organic Chemistry, with many more tests forthcoming in the fall.
This is also the story of one of the many trials I have had in my life, with many more tribulations yet in store.
And this additionally plays as part of my account of the omniscience, tender mercies, and love from God.

At the beginning of May I took my first Organic Chemistry test and got an A.  Wait, what?  Wasn't this class supposed to be hard?  Wasn't it pretty much insane to take it during an accelerated Spring term?  Wasn't I supposed to fail the tests?  Well, all I had to do was give things a little more time, and eventually the answer certainly became "yes" to all of those questions.

The second test's grade was much lower, resulting in my eager and desperate attempts to prepare for the third test coming up only a week and a half later.  In the mornings I attended lectures or recitation classes.  In the afternoons I took my textbook and solution's manual with me everywhere; the OChem lab, the lab I work in, the porch, the doctor's office, my bedroom, my kitchen table, my productivity blanket (which I generally lay out on the floor to get my homework done on by the way), everywhere!  I dreamed about synthesizing organic molecules!  Those books became part of me, an external organ needed to survive.  Granted, I definitely had days where I needed and took a break, often too much of one.  But I tried so hard to prepare for this third test.  Which is why I was so disappointed when I saw my grade.

There were tears shed, and anger and guilt, and concerned roommates, but mostly a lot of frustration and stress.  How could I have tried harder and done worse?  That didn't make sense!  That was discouraging!  That sucked!  Exasperated, I eventually dried my tears and tried to be okay.  The day went on, getting better (though when you're already down it's hard to go anywhere but up), and at the end of the day I found myself on my knees, praying.

I poured out my heart.  I told God about my day, about how that test sucked, and about how I knew I was going to be okay but I couldn't quite see how right now.  I just talked, just wanting to be near to Him, my Heavenly Father.

While I knelt in prayer, I took a moment to just be there.  To keep my thoughts quiet, my lips still, and my mind focused.  I took notice of the actuality of God, re-realizing that I was speaking not to, but with a very real Being.  After emptying my heart I sat hushed, waiting to see what He would fill it with.  Then He reminded me of what I had forgotten to arm myself with that day; gratitude.  My heart became filled with gratitude.  For the people who saved the day.  For the support I received before, during, and after all this mess.  For the tender mercies of telephones, big hugs, ice cream, and family.  For everything I did remember how to do on the exam.  For even the problems I couldn't work out.  For room to progress.  For my life, even if I am very stressed right now.

As I knelt there just feeling, I recognized the completeness I felt as my Father in Heaven and I connected.  The feeling I got felt a bit like a hug.  Not the squeezy-I-haven't-seen-you-in-forever kind, or even the it's-okay-if-your-tears-soak-my-shirt kind, but more like He was trying to tell me "Hey trooper; I know it's been hard.  Keep going, alright?  Keep going, go get 'em, give your best, everything will be okay."  Because I didn't need the squeezy kind of hug, or even the tear-soaking kind right then.  I needed the encouraging and empathizing kind of hug, so that is exactly what He gave me.

I believe in a God who knows me, perfectly.  He also knows Organic Chemistry, perfectly, and how the two of us aren't meshing too well right now.

I know He is listening.  I know He is ready to help.  I know His help is perfect, just like He is.

Reach out; Seek Him; He is waiting and wanting to give you, His child, your hug today.

Nerds & Never-ending Stories

Nerd Alert: I'm a huge Lord of the Rings fan.  And Narnia fan.  And Doctor Who fan.  And anyone who has ever read or seen any of these, or perhaps any other story, understands the emotional difficulties in saying goodbye (I mean, I hope, because if it's just me then that's odd...).

Allow me to demonstrate:  I have an almost love-hate relationship with my ultimate favorite trilogy, the Lord of the Rings.  Now toss in the Hobbit and you've got a decent set of four books, or six three hour films to keep you going for a while, and even longer if you go for the extended versions and all the other Tolkien offerings.  Every time I watch the movies or read the books I am enthralled again and again by the tales, adventures, morals, and every word constructed into a world of imagination.  Though I have gone through the plot a dozen times, it still has the power to captivate me and open my mind and heart.  The latter part of this most often happens at the end; as the last page is turned or the last scene displayed, I get all teary-eyed and rooted to the spot as I linger over the last tidbits of this adventure.  It's so awfully sad, so depressing that the story ends.  Yet I think I've figured out why.

It goes against the truth.  Whether you know it consciously or not, you existed before your life on this planet, and you will continue to exist far after your mortal death here.  You are an eternal being, extending both into the past and future indefinitely.  You have not a beginning, nor an end, for you will always be. So when these stories seem to drift to a close and your heart yearns for more, recognize the truth that is being testified to you:  Your story never ends, and the eternal adventure must go on.

What will you write into your never-ending story of life today?

Here's a wonderful story of a young man who uses this principle to overcome a trial in his life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYRb4DNf8wc

Oh Oregon: Video Post

Adventures from Thanksgiving Break 2013:

View on Vimeo here.

Would Have Been

Today is Thursday.
Today is January 30th, 2014.
Today is the day I would have entered the Argentina MTC en route to the Uruguay Montevideo Mission for an eighteen-month mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

But here I am.

A few months ago I made a post about how I made my decision to stay at Brigham Young University and serve the Lord in other capacities instead of serving an LDS full time mission at this time.  In just the short amount of time I have made that decision and stuck to it, I have learned a great deal about my relationship with God.  I have been able to serve His children, my peers, in a fuller capacity than before.  I have learned that all I have comes from my Heavenly Father, so keenly aware of my needs and tribulations each and every hour.  Perhaps most importantly I have learned that this is where I need to be at this time.

Tonight was also Poetry Night for me, my roommates, and others we invited into our home to share in some fun.  Some may say by coincidence, but I disagree, that Robert Frost's poem The Road Not Taken was one of the first poems we shared.  All of today I have thought about today's date, and how if I had taken the other path before me I would be on another continent right now, prepared for a very different sort of adventure.  This poem hit home, as I pondered the many forks in the road that we may encounter, and how I took the one less traveled by in the plans of my life.  If I could only choose one principle which I have taken from this turn of events, it would be to trust God with all of my heart, always willing, and never doubting.

And that has made all the difference.

Strike That; Reverse It

In the 1971 Willy Wonka film (a movie that I hope all of you have seen or I may be getting old), Gene Wilder proclaims the famous line "So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it."  As the year 2013 has ended and 2014 has begun I have felt the effects of the Earth's rotations on my desire to achieve, complete, and progress.  Just a little over three and a half weeks ago I concocted a list of goals and checkpoints I wish to accomplish for this year.  A little over three and a half weeks in, I realize that this may not be as easy as I had thought.

One of my favorite books holds the line, "This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God...the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors."  I hold that to heart as each day I try a little harder to be a little better, to prepare to meet my Heavenly Father and let Him know that I sure did put a lot of effort into this existence of mine.  Reading those words, I think of the goals I have set, some in fun, some in preparation for the future, but all in the desire to be a better me; more well-rounded, more kind, more organized, and more Christ-like.  Reading those words, I think of the immense amount of tasks and progress I want to complete, but the contradicting sliver of time I am given to stuff them all into.  

And then I realize I've got it all wrong.

I do not have so much to do and so little time, and I do not have so much time and so little to do.  It's like I'm Goldilocks, and everything is "just right."  My life here on Earth is not the beginning, nor the end.  I existed and lived before, and I will continue to exist and live after.  So in reality I have much more time than I think I do (and also more to get done).  I'm certainly not saying I should procrastinate the goals I have set here, as it is clear I have an overall achievement to reach: prepare to meet God.  Yet does that mean I will be perfect when I meet my Father?  Oh no.  No, no, no.  I'll probably still be barefoot and crazy (hey wait...isn't that perfection?), with a lot more to work on.  But that's the thing, if I was perfect then I wouldn't have anything to do with my eternal life, nothing to do with what comes next.  So bring on the days and weeks that seem to fly by.  Bring on the milestones reached, achievements collected, and goals left for another day.  I will embrace the rotations of the planet, the revolutions that leave me reflecting and planning, and the many, many adventures along the way.

 

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

Joy, not stress you guys. Joy.

Prayer Has No Life Bar

Chances are, if you've ever played a video game before, then you know what a life bar is.  Remember?  That slim rectangle at the top of the screen, showing you how many more hits you can take before you're out for the count?  The one you subconsciously keep track of as your eyes move over other portions of the screen?  And when it gets low, you do everything you can to save that precious last bit of life (including yelling at the inanimate characters and controllers).  Oh look, it most often resembles these:

Switching gears here; let me tell you an awesome story.  Well, it was awesome for me, so I hope you can join in my gratitude for it, as it really has changed my life.

At the end of this semester I was in a fix.  Final exams came down hard on my sleep schedule, energy levels, and overall well-being.  I was sick, I was tired, I was busy, and yet I was simply just like every other college student trying to scrape by with the best possible GPA for their given situation.  I had a full tuition scholarship to maintain, and a grad school dream keeping me going, so I worked; I worked hard.  I worked on remembering which genus of over fifty species of bacteria, protists, and fungi belonged to which symptoms and characteristics;  I worked on head snaps and a strong frame while dancing tango;  I worked on memorizing quotes from Church leaders and gospel principles I had studied throughout the semester;  I worked on improving my knowledge of the history of dance and the progression of styles from lineage-based societies to modern, ballroom, ballet, and others of today;  I worked on understanding the laws and equations behind momentum, energy, torque, waves, and heat.  I worked so hard, and yet I could not do it.  Not on my own.

My first moment of insufficiency arrived: I needed an 83% in order to obtain an A in my four credit Microbiology class.  I felt like I would never be able to remember and understand all of the required material in the amount of time given, and I knew if I tried I would burn myself out before I even took the exam.  In my time of trouble, I turned to the sky.  I prayed.  I prayed to be able to do my best, to have an open mind, and to accept the grade I would receive without beating myself up.  And then I took the test.  After, I handed in my exam, and walked out and looked up at the BYU Testing Center screen for my score: I got an 84%.  I got the A.  I almost cried.

My second moment came along after I had partially burned myself out studying for General Physics 1.  I love math and science, but have never taken a physics course before, so I did not know that this subject somehow did not come easily to me.  It was humbling, really.  But the final exam staring me in the face was more terrifying than anything.  I knew the highest grade I could receive in the course was a B, which I was not too pleased about, but if I could just get a 67% on the final, then I would not have to face a B-.  I know, I know; how hard could it be to get a 67%?  Well, for me, it was hard to do anything good in that class.  So I prayed again.  I prayed my little heart out.  And I took that test and tried my best, and almost four hours later my hand shook as I gave my bubble sheet to the scanner.  I got a 69%.  I got the B.  This time, I really did cry.

They say the third time is a charm.  I don't actually know what that means, but in this case it was my third moment of need that let me learn the lesson being taught this whole time.  I had finished all of my finals and proceeded to calculate my final GPA, trying to see if I would be able to retain my scholarship.  I calculated once, twice, thrice, but the numbers stayed the same.  I didn't meet the cut-off point.  Had all of my hard work been for nothing?  The answer to this question is "no", because my GPA does not determine my self-worth or talents or ability to serve the world, but I wasn't about to give up.  I emailed professors, looked through past assignments, and read through all of the syllabi to see if there was any chance.  If just one of my two A-'s was changed to an A, I would have the GPA necessary to be eligible for full tuition scholarship reconsideration.  Guess what I did?  You got it, I got down on my knees and offered up a humble prayer.

I knew this was not the end of the world, and I knew I could most certainly survive if this didn't work out, but I also knew that the God I worship is my Heavenly Father.  I know He cares about what I care about, no matter how small or trivial.  I know He listens to my prayers earnestly and diligently, and helps and guides me in every way.  I know He helped me before, but it was here I was unsure He would help me again so soon.  Hadn't I used up all of my prayers?  Didn't my prayer life bar need to be recharged?  Couldn't you only have so many crisis-conquering miracles in a period of time before they needed to take a vacation?  This is seriously the way I thought.  Odd?  Yeah, I usually am, but I learned my lesson this time.  Prayer has no life bar.  Prayer never stops being an effective way of communicating with our Father in Heaven, no matter how many times a day you use it, even in desperation; especially in desperation.

My prayers were answered, and I am now eligible for reconsideration for a full tuition scholarship.  It is by grace I have seen miracles, and it is by grace I will continue to be blessed.  Even if my prayers were answered in a different way, meaning even if I did not end this semester in the way I desired, I know that all things happen for a reason.  I know that as my desires become aligned with His will, I will be happy no matter what comes my way.

I've just got to keep praying.

Months in the Making: The Mission Decision

On September 6th I received my mission call to the Uruguay Montevideo Mission.  On September 21st I had the great privilege and blessing of receiving my endowment in the Provo Utah Temple.  Previous to, during, and after this latter event, I had been pondering my call to serve and if it was the Lord's will for me to go to Uruguay, or if it was His will for me to stay here in Provo.  I have spent the past three months pondering this pending decision.  I have prayed, studied the words of prophets both modern and of old, pondered upon my patriarchal blessing, fasted, received priesthood blessings, and gave particular and sufficient thought to which path I shall take at this fork in the road.  I genuinely want to do what God wants me to do, and I have the feeling that He is genuinely pleased with whichever path I take.  I have the feeling He is leaving this up to me, which is scary and really cool at the same time.  He trusts me to make my decisions and to continue to follow His plan and the example of His Son regardless of the road I take.

This past Wednesday I went on a date with a young man from my ward.  We went to an art exhibit in the BYU Museum of Art called Sacred Gifts, with paintings of Christ from Denmark and other wonderful places.  As we talked about the figures in a particular painting, we turned to the topic of decisions.  Lots of people today condemn mistakes, but mistakes are how we learn.  We cannot let the fear of mistakes get in the way of taking action, as we came to this Earth to take action and develop our faith in God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ and the plan They have laid out for us.
As we spoke, a talk came to mind.  I do not remember where or when I read or heard this talk, but when I got home I looked it up.  The talk is called Wrong Roads and Revelation, and was given by Matthew Holland, son of Jeffrey R. Holland.

The story goes that Matthew and his dad were driving a path in the evening, and came to a fork in the road.  They could not remember which way they had come from, and as the darkness was deepening they knew they had to make a decision quickly.  Father and son bowed their heads in prayer, asking for guidance.  Upon opening their eyes they agreed with one another that they felt they should take the left fork.  Ten minutes down the road they came to a dead end.  They turned around, returned to the fork, and now took the right path.
As they drove home, the young boy was troubled.  Why had they felt the distinct impression that they should take the left fork, if it was the right fork that would take them home?  Jeffrey Holland told his son that if they had taken the right path on the first try, they may have driven the road in doubt and fear that they had chosen poorly.  Perhaps their doubts would have become so strong that they would have turned around as the path lengthened out in front of them and the night fell.  However, by taking the left path to the dead end first, they could then take the right path with full confidence knowing it would take them home all in due time.

I feel this story can be applied to my decision with serving a full time mission.  I was fully prepared and willing to serve the Lord, and I still am.  It seems to me that I had to learn a few things first by submitting my mission papers and receiving my call, and then I could recognize that the other fork seemed a better choice for me at this time.  The mission road was not a dead end, as I formed many good habits and rid myself of unpleasing ones in the process of preparing myself for a mission.  I also had the opportunity to go through the temple and serve others with new-found understanding, motivation, and love.  But in this case I most certainly had to go through B to get from A to C.  I had to go through this experience of taking the left fork in order to take the right fork with more confidence, as well as a better understanding and more devoted heart.

I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father lets me make decisions.  I am beyond grateful that He has guided and helped me along this winding road, and I know He will continue to offer me His help and advice as I continue down this path.

So for now, I am not going on a mission to Uruguay.  I do indeed have a mission call to be a disciple of Christ, and I am working on perfecting myself, redeeming the dead, preaching the gospel in other ways, and caring for the poor and needy through service and love.  I am open to the twists and turns this path will take me on, and I am so so SO happy and thankful I have been blessed with wonderful parents, sisters, and friends to help me on this delightful journey of life.

Even if I end up slipping on the rougher patches, I think I can handle the adventures headed my way.

I Was Saved For This

Yesterday a group of young ladies and I were conversing on how we can learn to love God more than the world.  We acknowledged the many distractions that can separate us from our Father when not placed in the right order on our priority lists, such as school work, social lives, exercise, media, and even sleep.  One distraction I would like to expand upon is vanity.

Some days we just like to look nice; that cute outfit and good hair day help us feel confident and content, but what happens when we place the world's opinion above God's?  What happens when we wake up early in the morning to do our hair, make up, and clothes, but neglect to pray and study the word of God?  What happens when we spend the majority of our money on the latest trends and fads instead of investing in our future and serving others?  What happens when we cave in to peer pressure and turn our backs on righteous paths?

As we spoke of this I asked myself, "Would I rather be known for my trendy style and modern ways, or remembered for my kind heart and serving hands?"  It really comes down to where you want your legacy to reside.  What kind of person you want to be remembered as, and even if you want to be remembered, can influence your present actions.  I don't know about you, but I sure would like to make the world a better place for at least a few people, even if that means living my life off the beaten path of modern thinking and possessions.

Over one hundred and fifty years ago, Latter-day Saint pioneers trekked west across the United States to seek refuge from persecution.  From their records we know of the extreme physical difficulties they went through, walking hundreds of miles with wagons and handcarts, many falling ill and passing along the way.  Sometimes when I ponder on their experiences, I think to myself: give me a handcart, as I would gladly pull for miles through physical exhaustion and harsh conditions instead of face a world dead set on reducing me to a mental and emotional mess of confusion and contradiction.  I'm certainly not saying that what they went through was not harder than what we today are going through, but I am saying that I feel I am more accustomed and willing to endure physical tribulation than that of the spiritual attacks we see so much of today.  Attacks on family structure, marriage duration, morality, and so much more.

Sometimes I wish for a wagon, but then I remember.

I remember that I am part of a royal generation.  I remember that God has saved me, and others of this day and age, for a special purpose on this Earth at this time.  I remember that if God has put me here in this period of spiritual war, then He knows I am strong enough to fight against it, and win.  I remember that "I know I'm somebody, because God don't make no junk."  I remember that He is all knowing, and all loving, and all so ready to help me fight my battles.  I remember that I can walk off the beaten path and find true peace and genuine happiness.  I know I can make it.  I was made for this; I was saved for this.

So grab your handcart, and don't forget to pack your prayers, because we're going on an adventure.

Mountains and Moun'ns

The weekend before this past I had the opportunity to travel down to Zion National Park for some fun in the sun.  Our multiple hour drive was filled with singing, homework, singing, me falling asleep and probably drooling, and I think there was some more singing.  At last we reached Zion, and when we started up the Angel's Landing trail, I wondered at what I had gotten myself into.

For those who do not know, Angel's Landing is a rock structure reaching 1500 feet above the canyon floor.  The path to the top is steep and narrow, at one point becoming only two feet across.  Even with a paved path in the beginning, the angle led my calves to dream of the flatland Florida I call home, and my lungs complained about the "mountain air".  However, once we made it past the switchbacks I felt exhilarated.  My senses explored the world around me, instead of the pain inside me.  How fantastic it was to be so high up with no walls to block my view and no ceilings to contain my sense of accomplishment as my bare feet hopped from rock to stone, as sure as if they were at sea level back at home.  I stopped worrying about how hard it was, and rejoiced in the accomplishing steps I kept taking.

At this time, I also took notice of the differences between care, caution, and paranoia.  I took care along the whole hike, being aware of my surroundings and spatial orientation; I was especially cautious around the more treacherous parts, placing my footfalls with exactness as the path increased in height and steepness; but I never took to being paranoid for my life or others'.

Paranoia prevents adventure.  Whether it be a fear of heights, germs, or even death itself, fear drops a wall down between us and the experiences life and the world have to offer us.  Most of my life I've been fearful of what others think of me, at one point taking that fear so far that I lowered the quality of my life to try to fit into what society believed to be aesthetically "normal".  One of the darker journeys of my life was getting through and letting go of that fear.  It was hard and rocky and sometimes I backtracked to the beginning because it was so stinkin' hard.  But just as the trail up to Angel's Landing was rough and strenuous, the view was worth it, and the different life I lead now is worth every burdensome day that demanded my constant hike upwards.  Trying to live my life as just being me is one of the coolest and most exciting things I've ever done, even cooler than Angel's Landing.  Some days are easier than others, but I am grateful for the contrasts because you can't have mountains without valleys, and mountains don't seem so daunting anymore. 

We all know how much I'm learning to love that mountain air.

As Long As You Learn

As I walked across campus today, I overheard a snippet of conversation between two young adults:

"Get into the program and graduate; it doesn't matter what your GPA is in the end, just as long as you get an education."

These words echoed in my ears, and I pondered them as I trekked back to my apartment.  It seemed they did not only apply to college, but to life in general.  Have I been going about life the wrong way?  Have I gotten caught up in my GPA and neglected the joy and fulfillment in actual learning?  Have I been too interested in the end result of my mortal experience to enjoy the adventures along the way?
I want to keep track of the little things, the turning points, the silly thoughts that slowly shape my life like a chisel on granite.  I want to realize the adventure I am already partaking of, and add to it.  I want to learn, and I want to share, and I want to live.

When I heard those words on campus, in my mind it was translated into what I needed to hear:

"Get into the life and be; it doesn't matter what your legacy is in the end, just as long as you live, and live it right."

So, let the eternal adventures begin.