This is the tale of one of the tests I have taken for Organic Chemistry, with many more tests forthcoming in the fall.
This is also the story of one of the many trials I have had in my life, with many more tribulations yet in store.
And this additionally plays as part of my account of the omniscience, tender mercies, and love from God.
At the beginning of May I took my first Organic Chemistry test and got an A. Wait, what? Wasn't this class supposed to be hard? Wasn't it pretty much insane to take it during an accelerated Spring term? Wasn't I supposed to fail the tests? Well, all I had to do was give things a little more time, and eventually the answer certainly became "yes" to all of those questions.
The second test's grade was much lower, resulting in my eager and desperate attempts to prepare for the third test coming up only a week and a half later. In the mornings I attended lectures or recitation classes. In the afternoons I took my textbook and solution's manual with me everywhere; the OChem lab, the lab I work in, the porch, the doctor's office, my bedroom, my kitchen table, my productivity blanket (which I generally lay out on the floor to get my homework done on by the way), everywhere! I dreamed about synthesizing organic molecules! Those books became part of me, an external organ needed to survive. Granted, I definitely had days where I needed and took a break, often too much of one. But I tried so hard to prepare for this third test. Which is why I was so disappointed when I saw my grade.
There were tears shed, and anger and guilt, and concerned roommates, but mostly a lot of frustration and stress. How could I have tried harder and done worse? That didn't make sense! That was discouraging! That sucked! Exasperated, I eventually dried my tears and tried to be okay. The day went on, getting better (though when you're already down it's hard to go anywhere but up), and at the end of the day I found myself on my knees, praying.
I poured out my heart. I told God about my day, about how that test sucked, and about how I knew I was going to be okay but I couldn't quite see how right now. I just talked, just wanting to be near to Him, my Heavenly Father.
While I knelt in prayer, I took a moment to just be there. To keep my thoughts quiet, my lips still, and my mind focused. I took notice of the actuality of God, re-realizing that I was speaking not to, but with a very real Being. After emptying my heart I sat hushed, waiting to see what He would fill it with. Then He reminded me of what I had forgotten to arm myself with that day; gratitude. My heart became filled with gratitude.
For the people who saved the day. For the support I received before,
during, and after all this mess. For the tender mercies of telephones,
big hugs, ice cream, and family. For everything I did remember how to
do on the exam. For even the problems I couldn't work out. For room to
progress. For my life, even if I am very stressed right now.
As I knelt there just feeling, I recognized the completeness I felt as my Father in Heaven and I connected. The feeling I got felt a bit like a hug. Not the squeezy-I-haven't-seen-you-in-forever kind, or even the it's-okay-if-your-tears-soak-my-shirt kind, but more like He was trying to tell me "Hey trooper; I know it's been hard. Keep going, alright? Keep going, go get 'em, give your best, everything will be okay." Because I didn't need the squeezy kind of hug, or even the tear-soaking kind right then. I needed the encouraging and empathizing kind of hug, so that is exactly what He gave me.
I believe in a God who knows me, perfectly. He also knows Organic Chemistry, perfectly, and how the two of us aren't meshing too well right now.
I know He is listening. I know He is ready to help. I know His help is perfect, just like He is.
Reach out; Seek Him; He is waiting and wanting to give you, His child, your hug today.
